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The threat of social exclusion is always present when one is deaf. The world can be unforgiving towards people who are deaf. You cannot control how others think or behave, but you can control how you think. This article contains proactive thinking strategies.

In the last edition, you were asked about a particularly unpleasant incident related to your child’s deafness. This was designed to make you think about Reframing. How did you feel? Humiliated? Angry?

Reframing is a cognitive skill that significantly influences an individual’s psychic makeup, how they perceive the world and, more importantly, how they behave. The key idea is “It’s not what happens to you, but how you view it.”

Studies have shown that individuals who reframe negative experiences are better able to create positive outcomes for others and themselves. How you are feeling in any given event significantly decides your behavior. Below is a thought map of how individuals commonly react to circumstances. 

Figure 1: Activating Event and Consequences

A → C

If “A” means the Activating event and “C” means the emotional Consequence(s), reactive thinking views the Activating event (A) as causing the emotional consequence (C). For example, a woman once said to me, “The reason you don’t understand this is because you are deaf.” I could have reacted to her ignorant statement (A) with righteous fury (C): “You’re a stupid bigot!”

Regretful consequences would have likely ensued for both of us.

Without question, activating events, such as hurtful criticism, the discovery of a child’s deafness or a relationship breakdown, can be traumatic. But, on a base level, actual events have nothing to do with emotions. That’s not to blissfully ignore traumatic experiences, but to say that you are not a passive pawn to happenstance.

The woman’s statement – the Activating event (A) – cannot be controlled. But my behavior – the Consequence(s) (C) – can be controlled.

Reframing unpleasant or threatening circumstances requires critical thinking. In between “A” and “C” is “B” – the Belief system (Figure 2). The interpretation of the Activating event (A) by the Belief system (B) determines the Consequence(s) (C).

Figure 2: Activating Event, Belief System and Consequences

A → B → C

Instead of going straight from A to C, stop at B to critically evaluate A. At first, I viewed the woman’s statement as an insult. But I stopped and reframed. Injustice is usually the consequence of ignorance – not vindictiveness.Having reframed the situation, I focused on proactive rather than reactive Beliefs. Remember: Beliefs cause outcomes or Consequences.

I was assertive and replied, “That was a hurtful thing to say. Why would my deafness prevent me from understanding this concept?”

She saw her error of judgment and apologized immediately. For me, A did not cause C: B caused C.

Following the A-B-C sequence, the Belief system (B) determines feelings. Irrational feelings therefore create negative behavioral outcomes. Reframing these beliefs, however, increases the likelihood of proactive feelings and/or positive consequences.

The following thought processes were adopted from The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook (1982) by Martha Davis, Matthew McKay and Elizabeth Eshelman. Placed in a deafness context, I show an irrational Belief and the corresponding rational Belief for the same issue. 

1.   Irrational: I must be loved, appreciated or approved by each significant person I meet. My deafness is not a disability and people should accept this.
Rational: Some people will love, appreciate and approve of me. Not everyone understands that my deafness can sometimes be limiting.

2.   Irrational: I should be completely competent, perfect and achieve with every opportunity. Otherwise, I am worthless.
Rational: My strengths make me a worthy person. My weaknesses make me human.

3.   Irrational: People are discriminatory towards people who are deaf. This is unjust.
Rational: Some people are discriminatory towards people who are deaf. That’s life.

4.   Irrational: I am sick of being different. I am hopeless because I am deaf.
Rational: Some people do/will appreciate my difference. Not all my weaknesses are related to deafness.

5.   Irrational: Society is to blame for my unhappiness, not me.
Rational: There will be periods when I am unhappy. The world can sometimes be tough but I am responsible for my own happiness.

6.   Irrational: My deafness exposes me to dangerous, unpleasant and frightening experiences. Life is easier for hearing people.
Rational: This is the best age in which a person with deafness can live, despite some difficulties. Many hearing people have worse lives than mine.

7.   Irrational: Strangers should make an effort to accommodate my deafness. I can ignore difficult or unpleasant tasks/problems.
Rational: It’s nice when strangers make an effort to accommodate my deafness, but I don’t expect it. Confronting tasks/problems create proactive outcomes.

8.   Irrational: Having a partner makes me feel normal and not “deaf.” Otherwise I am not a complete person.
Rational: What is “normal”? Personal development is a life-long process.

9.   Irrational: I can’t do anything right because of my deafness. This is the reason for my problem(s) now.
Rational: I can address my deafness-related problems when they arise. Many of my problems may not be related to deafness. 

10. Irrational: I must ease the suffering of other people who are deaf. I am betraying my deafness if I don’t. 
Rational: I can help other people who are deaf if required. Others are ultimately responsible for themselves.

Reframing is purposefully shifting from Irrational to Rational beliefs. Able-bodied people with typical hearing are also prone to irrational thinking. The Belief system, therefore, has nothing to do with deafness. Your thoughts, not deafness, determine your reality. It is not what happens to us, but how we view the circumstances we are dealing with.

Irrational Beliefs can place unnecessary pressure on others and yourself. They can also lead to misinterpretations of reality and self-defeating thoughts. Misinterpretations of reality are a major cause of anger and irritation. For example, the thought “Society is to blame for my unhappiness” will likely put people off or, worse, make them pity your deafness and unhappiness. Also, thinking “Strangers should make an effort to accommodate my deafness” will lead to trouble when nobody helps you.

Rational Beliefs, or proactive self-talk, acknowledge the issue and take on personal accountability. Rational Beliefs reframe thinking in a realistic, flexible or proactive manner. Rational Beliefs are crucial for conflict resolution. For example, asking someone to face you to assist speech-reading.

Reframing is a skill that takes practice to master. It requires a presence of mind and the ability to watch, observe and then respond.

Reframing is the fifth of eight themes that create Psychosocial Potential Maximization. The exercise discussed is your practical application of Reframing.

Exercise:

List five recent negative life experiences. Draw two columns. Write irrational/reactive beliefs in one column, reframe, then write rational/proactive beliefs in the other. Use this article as a guide.

The following question prepares you for the next column’s theme of Persistence.

Question:

How many single words can you list about Tucson, Arizona? Write as many as possible (e.g., Wildcats, desert, etc.), however reasonable or far-fetched.

Quote:

“We do not see things as they are. We see them as we are.”

– The Talmud

Sources:

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